Hello… it’s me ! - did you read that in your Adele voice? I did haha
I left it last time at the moment we found out we were pregnant. Such a beautiful but daunting memory. We were filled with excitement and equal fear. Once you experience pregnancy loss it taints the pureness of the experience to come - I’m not sure if this fear will last forever but for now it still lingers faintly in the back ground.
I just want to circle back for a minute to self love - remember I said more on this to come.
In the couple months before finding out about my pregnancy I had actually stumbled across a energy / self love Transformation coach on Instagram. ( not a scam i promise- there was no Nigerian prince offering to make all my dreams come true! )
Self love - It was all pretty foreign to me but something drew me into her page and I soon enough found myself investing more and more time in her page and content.
See I had spent years of time and money on traditional psychologists and therapy. 100% worth it but I just didn’t feel like that’s what I needed this time. I had coping skills in spades and understood my own bias and triggers. I craved something different, I had this heaviness that I wanted to lift i just was not sure how I did that.
After a few weeks of observing from a distance I signed up for one of her workshops - the self love revival. I knew a little bit about what I was signing up from my back seat watching but never imagined what I would actually get out of the whole experience. Like I said last time - I never grew up with self love, with a healthy self worth or much of an example of living your best happy life. I don’t mean that as a dig it’s just more of a fact - just how it was.
A self paced workshop filled with videos, tasks and questions to really challenge my version of living a happy life - on a soul level ( like your true self deep soul) That’s the best way I can describe what the self love revival was for me.
It was very transformative. I completed the course and was left with this immense feeling of there is so much more to life than what I have settled for!
Now I know it all sounds a little woo woo but it turned out to be exactly what I needed to restart me. I just kind of stopped with the pity party and pledged to myself that I would move forward and live life again.
Trust your instinct - that’s what I want to tell people if you find something that grabs at you and you feel like it might be good for you DO IT. Don’t worry about others judgment just try it out - for it might be the best thing you ever do.
Growth comes when you leave your comfort zone. Remember that.
Jumping back to the pregnancy part. Excited but fearful! I was honestly low key terrified I actually just remember saying to Tom let’s pretend we don’t know and just continue on with life for a while and see what happens.
I had a dating scan ( at a different company - no grumpy bitch was going to fuel my anxiety this time) It was good. Baby was just as she should be.
I had another scan all was good again - baby was as she should be. I think we were both kind of in disbelief that this was it - this was really happening. Reading back on this we really under celebrated this miracle - remember I said loss taints future experience. Clearly this is something I need to work on PERSONAL GROWTH people it’s a beautiful powerful forever thing!
We told our immediate family and close friends - it was beautiful really lots of love filled congratulations, big squishy hugs and many ‘it’s about time’ comments ( eye rollllll - no sense being upset with people who don’t know what your journey has looked like ).
At 12 weeks we were at a birthday dinner for a family member and I felt absolute shit. I couldn’t explain it I just felt green. ‘Pregnancy’ everyone said this is just what happens.
Well.
The next day I got a little more sick and a lot more grumpy ! Poor Tom really copped the wrath of my ‘ hormonal rage’. He went out for the afternoon and night to a car event with his friends - he was glad for the escape and I was glad for the quiet ! Haha. Oh marriage it’s a beautiful thing isn’t it?!
Around 10pm I felt really shit. Vomiting, back pain, stomach pain.
To quote Madame Clavel - something was not right.
I called Tom and asked him to come home I was terrified that it was the baby. Gut wrenching devastation started to sink in. Here we go again I thought. I actually remember thinking so clearly, I would rather die than loose a baby again. I just could not face the thought of it.
Tom came home and we went to hospital. They tried telling me I was constipated !! I kept saying I have been pooping just fine !!! This is different.(insert face palms, eye rolls and dramatic tones) ! Ladies and gentlemen we know our bodies best - trust your instincts - ALWAYS.
They kept me in as the pain was getting worse and worse and then my vomiting also got worse too. No explanation and no Obstetrician available until the morning.
I spent the night preparing for the worst - planning on how we would tell everyone the horrible news…
( Tom spent the night snoring up a storm on the floor! I threw a fair few ice chips at him throughout the night - true love I’m telling you haha )
Finally the morning came - along with a doctor and we had a scan.
There she was - our little perfect happy little bean. She was even doing little jumps in front of our very eyes. Immense relief and tears flooded the both of us. The doctor told Tom to take a picture on his phone as she was in the best position possible for a photo. That pic was my screen saver for months. That moment was so special it was our own miracle and I am so grateful to have a picture to remember it by forever.
Humanity is a beautiful gift. Moments are treasured so much more than objects - remember this.
Other than a perfect little baby the scan also showed a very angry perforated appendix!
I bloody told them I didn’t need to poo!!
Emergency surgery. What a fuc*ing hoot that was. Honestly- it was not great. It was really bloody scary, but there was no choice so off to theatre we went.
The recovery was hard BUT doctors are incredible and babies are more resilient than we realise. Anaesthetic doesn’t cross the placenta! Did you know that ? I certainly did not until that day.
Post surgery she was safe, I was safe too and thats all that mattered.
We are truely lucky to have a health care system that is just right there when we need it. I know it’s not perfect don’t get me wrong - but these moments make you grateful to live in Australia.
I often say I won the lottery in love by meeting Tom and all this upheaval really bought us closer together.
People say we are lucky - I say we are hard workers.
We have always worked hard at creating a beautiful friendship and a loving marriage.
Things get really really fu*king hard sometimes and those are the moments you need to lean on each other more than ever. Luck has nothing to do with it. It’s love and determination - never giving up on your person in-fact with shit gets tough you try even harder.
That’s real life raw, messy but beautiful.
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