What. the. fuck.
Remember back when you wanted to go out for lunch and you would lay in bed googling the menu, have a hot shower- you know the ones where you took time to wash your body including your elbows. You’d then spend an hour picking what you wanted to wear matching your earrings to your print perfectly. Then you’d do your hair, your make up all while enjoying a hot coffee and once this delicious routine was complete your ready to leave the house. You throw you tiny bag over your shoulder and enjoy a drive with the latest or your old favourite music all the way to your destination where you’d enjoy a fresh hot meal completed with pillow talk conversation.
Ahh the memories…
It’s seems for now that is all that old time joy is - a memory. Let me walk you through the new routine and all it’s magical glory.
You wake up - the list starts in your mind you know the list I’m talking about. The one that’s got a million things and is never finished it’s got all the usual suspects on it - washing, dishes, vacuuming, sorting, spend time with dog, plan meals, empty the stinking bin, figure out what’s gone bad in the fridge, water the plants, call back that friend you had to hang up on last Tuesday cause the baby vomited up on you, try research that thing you were really interested in - the thing that was for your souls, remember who’s birthdays are when, make the beds, tidy the rooms, figure out the feed times for the day, plan the schedule for how this will all be done whilst allowing adequate tummy time, book time, song time and nap time - oh and don’t forget to do kegels damit !
Mulling the list is simply step one it sounds like it would take a long time doesn’t it - HA it does not you see this one is a constant and as a Mum and I think just as a woman we have this magical ability to run this list full throttle in the backs of our mind whilst trying to tick any of said things off the list. It’s a real fantastic beast this list. it has this superhuman ability to simultaneously shrink and grow every single second of your day and I mean every single second cause even when you sleep she is there generating so the exact moment when you open your eyes there she is ready with something new you forgot To add to it yesterday.
All right let’s begin. Your in bed your eyes open you plan the order of events in your mind. The baby begins to stir you know you’ve got about 5 minutes before you must begin the morning feed. We prepare the bottle and make our coffee ready for when the little ravenous snapping turtle opens her eyes.
Whilst completing the feed you stare into the eyes of this sweet tiny human you created soaking up the precious moment before the days crazy begins. ( this is my absolute favourite part of day - never rush this it is pure bliss )
Feed, burp, cuddle and change - step one complete.
Ok moving on to step two of your parent outing.
Collecting the what feels like hundreds of things required to safely and happily remove your tiny offspring from your home base. I like to think of myself as an octopus during this time - all 8 of my arms grabbing and packing whilst straightening up things like cushions and throw rugs ( ticking things off that list like the boss mother I am)
So now your packed, you’ve got a hundred things in the bulging nappy bag the car is packed you’ve checked and checked again you haven’t forgotten any of the essentials that your tiny human requires.
Now it’s time to dress your smallest family member. What does the weather permit for the day? And just a side note on this topic - WHY IS IT SO FUC*ING HARD ! The books, midwifes and doctors all say just add an extra layer to what your wearing. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?! Cause I run hot people !! So if I’m naked does she just wear a nappy and a singlet ??? I think not guys at 18 degrees I’ll still wear a skirt over warm pants. And then if I am wearing a skirt should she be in long pants short selves or should she be in long sleeves short pants ?? Should she have a singlet on under said layers, is the singlet also a layer ?? Do the layers include socks ?? SO MANY QUESTIONS!
Ok so we’ve picked an outfit it’s cute so we start the dressing which is a fine art form - the strength in a baby who doesn’t actually have enough muscle to stand is phenomenal - how do they keep there limbs so bloody stiff ??
So now we’ve wrestled patiently with our stiff limbed ninja into a weather appropriate cute outfit - hallelfuckinglujah!
Now we think we’re ready to go. We know exactly where we are headed because we mapped out the journey the night before just to figure out where the feed and change stops are.
You quickly throw on your outfit and chuck up your hair quick mirror check - it’s as good as it gets ( who even needs earrings anymore)
Let’s head out !
Final stage - taking the sleeping baby out of the cot and placing them into the car. Gingerly does it - you make touch down baby still sleeping. Your feeling excited you’ve accomplished the Seemingly unthinkable- celebration fist bumps are in site.
Then the crying starts.
Just a little one to start. It grows.
You try the dummy.
Nope.
You try a Little Rock rock soothe soothe.
Nope.
By this point the crying has almost reached that dolphin level pitch ( that’s what I’ve named it by the way dolphin cry)
you check the time.
For f*ck sake it’s feed time AGAIN.
HOW!? WHY!?
Now your almost crying with the baby. You take them out.
Feed, burp, nappy, cuddle - you try again to leave and they vomit all over that cute outfit you spent so long ensuring was weather appropriate.
They cry.
You cry.
You look at your other half - this is the tension point. You could erupt into an argument at any moment for no reason at all just out of frustration and exhaustion.
You look at each other and decide who the hell wants to leave this house anyway. We pay a mortgage to holiday in this abode every dam week let’s use the bloody amenities shall we?!
Thank god for Netflix and Uber it’s basically movie and lunch just in the comfort of your own four walls stocked with the abundance of essentials that are required to comfortably grow your tiny human.
If you are exhausted reading this - you should be that’s the intended feeling. And if you laughed with sympathy and understanding then your probably a parent too so from one parent to another - your amazing - enjoy that glass of wine from the comfort of your lounge room you bloody deserve it.
Ohh I also just remembered that coffee we made earlier ? It’s still on the bench stone cold that’s the way we drink it now. Xoxo
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