Life ...
I am right at the start of a new chapter. My first baby - our first child. A little bundle of light and joy to join us and fill a void we never new existed.
I’m 8 1/2 months pregnant ready to pop you might say - feels pretty bloody accurate if you ask me !
I want to start this blog / public diary if you will because, well because to be honest I don’t know what the heck to expect. All I know is it’s been one hell of a journey so far and I imagine there is a whole lot more to come.
Part 1:
Let me start at the beginning of my little journey.
Ready to have a baby finally ! 10 years Tom and I had been together. A absolute journey in itself filled with drama, tragedy , triumph but more love than you could imagine. I might get into all of that another time - let’s see how this all goes first before I peel back all my onion layers to y’all- assuming anyone’s actually reading haha! Jesus this might just be a personal journal after all.
Where was I? Right 10 years together and finally ready to have a baby. Freshly married bought our first home perfect time to have a baby ! Like most women I thought this will be easy stop birth control and to be frank do like the rabbits do! Well let’s call this lesson 1. It doesn’t always work like it does in the movies, the magazines the stories you hear - it just took one night of wild sex.
12 months of fresh hormonal hell. I’m talking weight fluctuations, skin break outs (those that nightmares are made of and pharmaceutical companies use as before and after stories) - not kidding I have pics to prove. Let’s not forget the self loathing, the random period cycles as your body gets back to its normal. Then there’s the ovulation tracking, peeing on all the different things to tell you the optimal time to have sex. Then there is the sex itself ! Fun in the beginning right? Then after months and months of trying it becomes a job - something that’s scheduled like the washing and meal prep. It’s not so fun anymore it’s a hour window that let’s be honest you will just get done In 15 mins cause this is a let’s get it done situation - not a spontaneous night of passion folks ! Honestly I’m actually laughing out loud as I write this cause it’s the bloody truth and even as a write I remember so clearly and I just think wow. So much pressure ridiculous. Is it mean that I find is hilarious the absolute crazy i unleashed on my poor husband?
Ok 12 months of this crazy business, heart breaking negative pregnancy tests and a multitude of crying and wondering is it me? Finally a positive test!
Oh my god I remember this moment. I had a feeling you know, but then again I’d had them before and I was wrong I didn’t want to get too excited because you know there is always the chance it’s not going to be the month.
I waited for Tom to leave for work, it was so early must have been 5 am. I laid there pretending to just only be waking up when he was leaving - acting low key. he had seen me cry so many times in the months before. He had asked me many times stop buying the tests - give your self a break he would say.
But I just couldn’t I can’t explain why I couldn’t but the Impulse to keep trying, to keep testing was like nothing I had experienced before.
Anyway he leaves for work, I hear his car go down the street and I race to the bathroom. Test time.
The longest 5 minutes pass. POSITIVE!
The flood of emotion, I remember it so well. I cried and cried I was so happy finally a little bean was ready to grow and join our family. I actually made a video of myself talking to the future bean that morning, about how it was all worth it and I just couldn’t wait to meet them and to tell Tom he was going to be a dad.
I’ve never watched this video back - it is to painful, more about that later.
I went to work pretending everything was the same - a very hard task as I work with my sister in law but I knew I had to tell Tom in a special way. I needed to figure that out first - he needed to know before anyone else.
Balloons is how I did it - they have a special meaning to us we fill up the house each birthday with them and celebrate, this was the perfect way. I set them up in the lounge I bought a sweet little onesie laid it out with all 3 positive tests ( who just believes the first one right !?)
He was elated the biggest smile I’ve ever seen. This was it our next chapter. The beginning of a new happy ever after.
My story is about to get sad I just want to warn you. Pregnancy loss is just about the most gut wrenching devastating thing I’ve been through and I don’t want to surprise anyone with the heart break that comes next cause it’s triggering - believe me I get that more than anyone.
The first ultrasound - the dating scan.
I was so fu**ing excited not a single fear or hesitation I was so eager to have this scan. Honestly all I felt was hope and joy. When I called to make the apt they had a cancellation I could go right away or wait a week. I took the spot, called Tom. He couldn’t make it but he knew how excited I was and told me to go for it and just make sure I got a pic for him.
I remember the tech asking me if it was my first pregnancy I told her it was and she said I can tell because your scan is too early- she was kind of grumpy a little bitchy even, but I didn’t care nothing could stop my excitement. She did the scan confirmed I was pregnant.
She was silent for a while asked me about my cycle and date of conception she then said - ‘it is either too early or you have a non viable pregnancy‘.
The words non viable I didn’t even know what that meant. I knew it wasn’t good I had a pit in my tummy immediately. The grumpy/ bitchy tech then said to me ‘ good thing your here earlier than necessary because things don’t look good - come back in 4 weeks we will know more then.’
I left tears running down my face. I got in my car drove the short drive home I couldn’t even get out of the car. I couldn’t breath, my world was closing, I cried so so much in my driveway I don’t know how long I was in there for. Tom got home and found me still in the car still crying. I explained what happened. He scooped me up and we went inside. The always optimist husband of mine declared we weren’t to worry yet, 4 more weeks and we would learn this worry was for nothing. I tried to believe that but I couldn’t - I knew deep down something wasn’t right.
Fast forward a month, I was diagnosed with an Ectopic pregnancy. It was horrible. 8 weeks of bleeding, crying, drinking, forcing myself to run to stop my thoughts. I was mad at me, I was so mad at my body. When I think about that time now it’s so sad to me, I needed to love myself more than ever but I didn’t know how. I’d never been shown and I’d certainly never shown my self love and care before - I didn’t grow up like that.
A new year dawned and I had some what numbed the loss of this little baby that never even had the chance to grow.
I started to dabble in self love. More about this to come later.
Just when you think things are going to be ok life laughs in your face right? COVID forced us to close our business the financial pressure of trying to keep a float was to much. We had only owned our house a year and it was a struggle but we kept enough income coming in from my job to keep our safe place, our home.
The new year arrived and we thought ok new year new beginning right ?
Tom got a new job - a great one he was happy, I was feeling more like me.
Well our bloody house flooded ! Flexi hose... I’d never heard of it before - I know exactly what a high pressured water gusher the little hose is now. REPLACE THEM PEOPLE. Trust me haha.
Our home had to be gutted. All the floors, cabinets, kitchen and bathroom too. We set up our camper trailer in our backyard and for 3 months. We lived with the contents of our home in our carport and shed. Forced Renovating - to be honest it is obviously not something anyone plans for but it turned out to be one of the best distractions, life lessons and personal purges I’ve ever had. My twin brothers lived with us at the time and don’t get me wrong it was crowded but we laughed so much. We ate out side each night cooking on the bbq and even sat in our makeshift out door lounge room ( plenty of mozzie spray at hand), we played board games and we actually had fun.
No TV, no Internet, no digital noise. Try it out sometime i definitely recommend it.
3 months of hard work, sweat, wonderful friends and family helping, we got back in our home - not yet perfect but indoors! carpet, bed, lights with switches! It felt like luxury. My brothers moved into their own place and we settled into our new / old mostly renovated home.
I was exhausted kind of run down. To be expected right ? so much had been going on and we had been sleeping in a camper for 3 months! Then I started to feel sick I just all of a sudden felt really bloody average.
Guess what guys. I know you can tell what comes next...
I thought maybe I could be pregnant I didn’t really have a regular period at this point the ectopic pregnancy had really messed my cycle around. Tom and I agreed we would wait until Tuesday morning. No idea why we picked a Tuesday but that’s what we agreed. I woke up that Tuesday Tom woke up with me we were both curios, cautious and a little scared too. I took a test got back in bed with it sat there with it in front of us. We waited. Longest minutes of life and then.... two lines - PREGNANT.
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